Dearest Larry,

May I call you Larry? I know that Larry isn’t your real name, but I’m assuming pwndawg69 is also not your real name. Although I guess you might have impossibly cruel parents, in which case, my apologies, and you might just want to go by Larry from now on anyway.

Anyhow, Larry, I want to talk to you about our interaction today, and by our interaction, I mean when I put something on the internet, and you disagreed with it, and so you called me names, and told me how dumb I am. I just want to make sure that you’re okay. Personally. On the inside where the secrets live. Life is hard, and while I know it’s always possible that you’re just mean, it’s also possible that you’re lashing out at strangers online because you’re having a rough go of it.

If you need to talk about work, or home, or the fact that school is out and you haven’t seen your bros in several days and you’re sad, then I’m your girl! I have all kinds of advice for you.

For instance, your boss is giving you grief, and you just need someone to pass that onto? Have you considered buying a goldfish and yelling at her? I mean, it isn’t fair to the goldfish either, but the likelihood that you insulting her swimming prowess will somehow ruin her day is pretty slim. Just make sure you feed her, and clean out her bowl, and you have a friend who will let you unload every now and then.

Are your parents fighting again? That really sucks. I can’t say I’ve been there, but I have been them. Adults don’t always know how to properly deal with their problems, and sometimes they don’t think about how their bickering is affecting those around them. I know you can’t really get away from that, but I recommend noise canceling headphones, a little bit of Mozart, and a good book. Have you read Game of Thrones? I hear that’s popular with people these days.

And if you’re just missing your friends, well, I hear I’m pretty okay at being a friend. Let’s be friends! It will be fun. We can skip through the meadows of the world wide web, and we can giggle and sing songs. It’ll be great! I’m generally good at listening, and I keep an open mind. It’s true that we clearly disagree about some of our closely held beliefs, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be buddies. You’re going to have to cut out the thing where you insult random strangers though, that’s a no go for me in the friendship category. But maybe if you aren’t so lonely, you’ll feel less compelled to be a jerk to people you don’t know!

Larry, I can see that you have thoughts and feelings, and I know that you could do good things, because we’re all capable of goodness. Maybe just find a new hobby, or a new way to deal with your angst, or a better catharsis for your rage. It’s going to be okay, Larry. It really is.

Sincerely,

Your New Best Friend!

xoxo