I would like to say that I invented not-a-limericks, and so I will. I have no idea if it is a factual statement or not. However, I do know that one day when I was sitting and writing limericks, I became bored with the structure and decided to rebel against it.

—

Once in a town made of mud,
a cow stood chewing her cud.
The cow moaned and groaned
on an old school cell phone
about the high cost of pedicures when they were obviously and badly needed with so much mud all over the place!

—

There once was a girl with a shoe,
whose match she often did lose.
With fear she was fraught
’til this sudden thought,
“I should go buy super glue and just glue the shoes together! Then I will always know where they both are…”

—

There once was a shoe made of blue
That got covered in odd orange goo.
Instead of quite sad,
The owner was glad
Because he was obviously a BSU fan that had one less piece of clothing to replace before game day in order to express the maximum amount of team spirit…

—

A sheep from the city went walking
And felt the need to be flocking.
He wandered about
And jumped with a shout
When he saw in the distance a rather nice looking group of other sheep with which to hang.

—

There once was a limb on a tree,
That wiggled to get himself free.
He tried and he tried
And eventually died
And fell to the ground gleefully until he realized that he was dead and, in fact, not in a better place after all when he found himself being picked up and dragged to a fire bin to be burned in order for some children to make s’mores.

—

A limerick should be something bawdy,
And can often be thought of as gaudy
But to limits like these
I say, “No thank you, please!”
And I write what I want because “naughty” things tend to make me uncomfortable and to be quite honest I like the rhyme scheme of limericks more than the general content, so there.

—

There once was a cat in a stocking
with sequins and all sorts of flocking
the cat looked quite silly
on a shirt worn by Billy
As he paraded himself around attempting to bring holiday cheer to the Grinches of the world, but in the process making himself look a bit ridiculous because grown men should not wear sweaters covered in Christmasy animals no matter how cute those animals may be.

—

Reindeer pulled a sleigh through the sky,
across a red and green background did fly!
Bells jingled their song
where they were sewn on
and Rudolph’s nose actually glowed red due to the fact that it was a tiny little light bulb powered by a battery stashed in the sweater wearer’s pocket.

—

A rather fat man in a suit
gave a rather small girl a flute
the girl cried and cried
the man dried her eyes
and told her next year she shouldn’t throw rotten fruit at the kids that were younger than her and maybe she would get something she actually wanted instead of a musical instrument she didn’t care to learn to play.

—

A man canning peaches did find
that shoes should be worn at all times.
When working in kitchens
toes can be deeply bitten
by glass when it slips out of one’s hand and propels itself downward increasing in velocity until it reaches its maximum velocity before it lands in just the right spot to sever a tendon and send the person canning peaches to the emergency room where they will be told that they have to schedule surgery on said toe and return at a later time to have that surgery performed at which time they will be laid up for several weeks and that all of this could have been avoided by following basic kitchen safety procedure as dictated by the great Alton Brown on Good Eats and just wearing closed toe shoes.