life with depression…

We live in a world that stigmatizes mental illness, but the truth is that most of us struggle with one form or another of that very thing. For me, depression has the tendency to take over my life. I’m not ashamed of that fact, and I’ll freely admit that I don’t always get the help I should because of fear of how others might perceive me if they see me getting help. It’s a hard thing to tell someone I need help, but it’s a thing I’m getting better at all of the time. I can tell friends, and I can seek professional help when I need it most of the time.

It’s probably not going to change the world, but I think it would help for people to share their struggles with each other. It’s nice to know we aren’t going through things alone, and that there are other people out there who understand us.

So, without further ado, this is what my life with depression looks like.

Getting out of the house with depression: Giant hoodie? Check Earphones? Check Smile? Optional. You left the house, you get a gold star just for that.

Getting out of the house with depression:
Giant hoodie? Check
Earphones? Check
Smile? Optional. You left the house. You get a gold star just for that.

On a non-work day, when I’m home alone…

12:00 am : Tell myself to go to bed. It’s been a long day, self. Go to bed. Go to bed. Get off the couch, and go to bed. No? Okay, stay on the couch. Whatever.

1:00 am : Turn the TV over to QVC. It’s a safe channel. No scary commercials, and no chance I’ll wake up to some weird horror movie.

3:00 am : Fall asleep after spending the past two hours telling myself that everyone who has ever talked to me doesn’t really like me. I’m pretty much the worst.

7:00 am : My alarm goes off because I forgot to turn it off before I fell asleep. I’m awake now. There’s no chance I’ll fall back to sleep.

7:01 am : Grumble about my alarm.

7:07 am : Get mad that I can’t reach my alarm from where I am laying. Roll off couch. Turn off alarm.

7:08 am : Realize I’m not going to get back up on my couch. Curl up under blankets on the floor. I live here now.

10:30 am: I haven’t eaten. I haven’t even gone to the bathroom. I force myself to get off the floor. I’m up now so I might as well eat a granola bar, and somehow I manage to convince myself to take a shower.

11:30 am : I’m still wrapped up in my towel after my shower. I look around my house and realize there are piles of things that need put away. That’s how I deal with mess when things get bad. I put like things in piles to be dealt with later. It’s March and my Christmas tree is still up. I should take care of that.

12:00 pm : I put my pajamas back on. Let’s face it, I’m probably not leaving the house today.

1:00 pm : I’m hungry, but I don’t want to order in food. My Christmas tree being up is a sign of disfunction, and I don’t want the world to see that. What would the delivery guy think if he noticed? He’d realize that I don’t have my shit together.

2:00 pm : Put on pants, a sweatshirt, and throw my hair into a ponytail. Put on slippers. Drive through somewhere with fast food and order enough that I can eat it for lunch and dinner so I don’t have to leave my house again.

2:30 pm : Get home, take off my pants, don’t bother with pajamas. Wrap up in a blanket and eat my fries. Wallow in self-loathing over the calories in said fries. Tell myself that starting tomorrow I’m going to exercise and eat salad.

5:00 pm : Turn down an invitation to go out to dinner.

6:00 pm : Turn down an invitation to go for a walk.

7:00 pm : Eat the leftover fast food from earlier, and get ready for bed.

7:15 pm : Lay down on the couch and start flipping through half-over movies about people who can get off their couches and get their stuff done.

9:00 pm : Tell myself it’s time for bed.

9:15 pm : Find a reality show marathon that reminds me that there are other people with WAY bigger problems than I have out there.

12:00 am : Try to convince myself to go to bed. It’s been a long day. Go to bed. Go to bed. Get off the couch, and go to bed. No? Okay, stay on the couch. Whatever.

On a work day…

12:00 am : Tell myself to go to bed. It’s been a long day, self. Go to bed. Go to bed. Get off the couch, and go to bed. No? Okay, stay on the couch. Whatever.

5:00 am : Alarm goes off.

5:30 am : Realize if I get up now, I’ll have time to take a long, hot shower. Read twitter instead.

5:45 am : Realize if I get up now, I’ll still have time to wash my hair. Read facebook instead.

6:00 am : Force myself to get up so I’m not late for work, wash my hair quickly, throw on clothes, run out door.

6:30 am : Get to work. Put in my earphones and turn on Spotify. Work. Work. Work. Work. Avoid people. Work.

3:00 pm : Get off work. Pick up dinner on the way home because I know if I don’t, I’m not going to eat tonight. Lay on my couch and flip through TV channels until bed time.

9:00 pm : Remind myself that I should probably get ready for bed, good sleep will help me get out of this cycle.

9:01 pm : Instead of doing the thing I know I should do, I decide to watch one more episode of Chopped.

12:00 am : Try to convince myself to go to bed. It’s been a long day. Go to bed. Go to bed. Get off the couch, and go to bed. No? Okay, stay on the couch. Whatever.

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