impossible choices, impossible questions…

There are hard things to talk about, and then there are impossible things to talk about.

Impossible. That’s what I’m tackling.

This has been stewing for a while. Months. It needs said.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mom. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought about ending it. My boyfriend (at the time) was supportive of what I wanted. He left the ball in my court. I decided I couldn’t live with the guilt I was sure I would feel if I had an abortion. This was my choice. I’m not making comments on anyone else. This isn’t a political post.

Having Jenna was a great idea. The best idea. She has made me a better person from day one. Holding her, I knew that I wanted to be a mom, and I knew I wanted to be the best mom I could be. Enough so that I wanted to have another baby. Again, best idea. Cole is an insanely cool kid.

This could come as a shock to a lot of people, but I truly enjoy being a mom. I think parenthood is great! I get that not everyone wants to have kids, and I think that’s cool. Just, for me, being a mom is my favorite.

A few years ago, the father of my children and I stopped cohabitating. The choice was not mutual; it was mine. However, over the course of the past few years, we’ve both come to agree that this is best for our kids, and for our family.

You guys, this wasn’t taken lightly, it was a hard thing. I agonized. I struggled. If you don’t believe me, ask my mom. Lois is not a liar, so you can trust her to give it to you straight. I didn’t do this off cuff. It was well thought out.

To the people that have told me what they think I should do differently, your comments have been taken into consideration and pretty much ignored. For those that have taken it upon themselves to tell my children that if they pray hard enough, or want it bad enough, their mom and dad will get back together someday, I don’t appreciate it. Please stop. You are helping nothing and no one.

If you know someone going through a breakup, or something else that is hard, be careful with what you say to them. You can’t know everything about their situation, so please, reserve your judgement and words.

Now, I’m going to end this with a FAQ, because that’s the only way I can think to handle the following. I get a lot of advice and comments from people about my kids and what it’s like to split custody of them. I can’t address them head on to the people who say them in the moment because I get all stammery and it’s just too hard. So, here you go.

Q. Doesn’t it hurt not to have your kids with you every day? I couldn’t do it.
A. Of course it does! My kids are my world. I love them as much as you love your kids. It isn’t easy to say goodby to them on Sunday, but here’s the thing, their dad is a good dad. He takes excellent care of them. I’m not a horrible selfish human, and I’m glad to share with him.

Q. Don’t you feel guilty for what your choice is doing to your kids?
A. No. Except when you make it sound like I should, then I feel horrible. Next question.

Q. But seriously, aren’t you worried? (I get this a lot. A lot, a lot.)
A. Seriously, I’m not. They are loved. They are taken care of. They are strong little goblins and they are going to be okay, because we are going to do our best to make sure they are okay.

Q. Why didn’t you try harder to keep your family together.
A. You have to be kidding me. How do you know I didn’t?

Q. Are you worried your kids will follow in your footsteps?
A. Nope. Here is how I feel about their futures: I hope they both grow up able to look at their lives as analytically as possible and to make the best decisions that they can even when situations seem completely impossible. If they come to a place where they have to make the decisions that I made, I hope that they can do it with strength and dignity.


9 thoughts on “impossible choices, impossible questions…

  1. Just my opinion. A marriage that’s not working is much harder on the kids than a separation that is working. I asked your mother, I would never question your decision. Anybody who thinks it is an easy decision has never been there or has never suffered the ambivalence and pain that leads up to the decision to make a necessary change. One of the worse things about going to church was being told I should court my ex-wife. That would have been the last thing either one of us would have wanted. I am sure that she found a much better life for herself than she had with me. For myself, leaving was the only choice. We had too much enmity between us to live peaceably together. It would have been nice if we could have parted amicably, but we did not. For people who continue to question your choice, tell them your uncle Don says F them. And if they don’t like that I can give them a more educated version but it would take longer and still mean the same thing.

  2. I don’t know your Uncle Don, I don’t think…. but I like him already! :) You are loved, and your kids are loved, and all of us live every day by grace, eh?

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