I live in the desert. In the winter it is cold, in the summer it is hot, and there is a lot of sagebrush lurking about. Some people like the warm, arid, relentlessly sunny sand trap that is where I live. Some people enjoy the dust storms and blowing wind. I like rain. It doesn’t rain much in the desert. So, I’ve devised a survival guide, a primer, if you will, for living in the dry when you need a little more wet in your life.
1: If at all possible, move. Seriously. Just get out of the desert and go somewhere else. Why are you still standing there? You have boxes to pack. I suppose, however, if you can’t just pick up and get the heck out of Dodge (even though it is clearly the best choice), keep reading the rest of this post.
2: Go to here. Bookmark this site. Now, here’s the real trick, put a computer with this genius little website up and running in another room, shut all of your blinds or curtains, brew a cup of tea, and pretend to be trapped inside due to a torrential downpour. Imagine you’ve been caught in a storm that is too powerful for safe travel, and forget all about the evil sunshine hanging in the perfectly blue, spotless sky outside your front door.
3: Visit rainy places. Although, to be frank, this doesn’t actually work. I’ve tried. Every time I travel to find rain, there is a deluge in the desert and I end up in a sunny Seattle.
4: Take a lot of showers.
5: Learn a rain dance. I don’t think it matters if it’s of the traditional variety. Go with a good ol’ How I Met Your Mother jig if you must, but dance hard enough and it will probably just bring the rain to you.
6: Get used to disappointment. Don’t get your hopes up just because a cloud gets lost and wanders into your skyline. That cloud is a liar and it is just there to cut you down. Give that bugger the business and tell it you’re not falling for its petty tricks.
7: Construct a blanket fort. This has nothing to do with surviving a rainless summer, but blanket forts do tend to make everything better.
8: Make a youtube playlist of all of the romantic movie scenes featuring a long, drawn out kiss in the rain. Then, watch those clips on repeat.*
9: Create an elaborate movie set complete with rain and wind machines. Put up tarps around the set to help block out the sun that is trying to ruin everything because it is a big jerkface. Buy one of those sound machines that makes it feel like you’re in the middle of a giant thunderstorm! Finally, relish in your hard work. You’ve given yourself an almost passable reason to smile again!
10: Try to keep your chin up. Several months isn’t that long to deal with dry skin and the painful light worming its way past your curtains. Really. I’m not lying. No I don’t have my fingers crossed behind my back. Stop it! Don’t badger me! I have to go sit in a dark room and pretend the sweet sounds of little droplets falling from the sky aren’t coming from my laptop.
*This may actually backfire and cause you to believe that in order to be happy you need Ryan Gosling kissing you in the rain. This is not true. Stop watching that playlist immediately if you experience this feeling.