the substandard superhero squad (part 1)…

This story inspired by Angela and Aubrey Webber of The Doubleclicks and their song Worst Superpower Ever.

Captain O Negative, The Napinator, and Lady C’est Chic– together they make up the indomitable crime-fighting trio The Substandard Superhero Squad!

Today we meet our heros sitting around a small kitchen table inside their lair. The men are munching cheese and crackers while Lady C’est Chic looks wistfully into a compact mirror and toys with her perfectly coifed golden curls.

“I’m bored! I’m tired of sitting around with you two,” whines C’est Chic. “We should go to the mall. I need to pick up a new outfit for Saturday’s Superhero Ball. She who should not be named because I hate her, just bought the dress I was planning to wear.”

“C’est, the mall is full of scum and badness, that isn’t a half bad…” The Napinator begins. However, as he is about to complete his sentence an alarm pierces the air and red lights begin flashing all around the three ever ready guardians of the innocent, and protectors of the less gifted.

“We must away!” cries Captain O Negative. “To the mopeds!”

Rushing down the stairs towards the garage from the kitchen at the top of their tri-level, they grab their shiny helmets and elbow pads. By the time they emerge on their loudly painted rides, they are fully clothed in superhero splendor! Well cut masks hide their features from recognition, while capes emblazoned with their squad symbol billow behind them in the wind.

As they speed down the road at a mind-boggling forty-five miles per hour, Captain O Negative relays their mission to the others through their in-helmet communication system.

“We are headed to the bank. This is the real deal, my friends,” he states. “All of the other heros are tied up in grand ball preparations and we have been the ones tasked to this robbery.”

“How dreadful!” C’est Chic grimaces as she gives her contribution to her team, “They are wearing drab, grey coveralls and gasmasks. They look ridiculous and bland. Why are villains never creative in their dress?”

The Napinator replies, “Thank you for that commentary, C’est. When we get to the bank, I will project forward a yawn bubble causing everyone in front of us to feel slightly tired and disoriented. When the yawn bubble has encased the entire building, I will also shoot forward waves of boredom and disinterest. This should give the Captain plenty of time to sneak in, wearing his carefully calibrated superpower resistance watch, and squirt the bads with a good deal of hemoglobin from his tear ducts. Are we all on the same page?”


“We must away!”

“Good, we will arrive at our destination in approximately twenty-three seconds. Let’s do this!”

Upon arriving at the bank, our heros rush into action. C’est Chic immediately begins to file her nails in preparation for the polish she plans on applying before the night’s events. The Napinator places two fingers from each hand on the side of his eyes and pushes out a yawn bubble. Captain O Negative bigins to sneak forward, double checking his watch for proper calibration.

Inside of the bank, chaos has ensued. The criminals are indeed dressed as C’est Chic had predicted, and the citizens are lying on the floor crying and screaming for help. Suddenly everyone in the building is overcome by a slight fatigue! They begin to yawn and rub their eyes. Then the criminals begin to look around disoriented, and they drop their guns to the ground in disinterest while they begin to twiddle their thumbs in boredom. Captain O Negative bursts onto the scene and quickly begins soaking the disarmed villains with the blood shooting out of his eyes.

At that moment, someone hits The Napinator over the head with a baseball bat. He crumples to the ground and the spell on the bank is broken. C’est Chic misses the entire turn of events as she had put in her earphones upon arrival and is now absorbed in painting her perfectly filed nails. Inside the bank, Captain O Negative is immediately taken hostage by the now wet and armed robbers…

Would this be the end of our three intrepid heros? Who was the baseball wielding person outside? Would C’est Chic find the perfect outfit to wear to the ball? Tune in next time for all of these answers, and more!



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