nothing better to do…

My life today is a bit dull and I feel like writing. So, I decided to blog. A lot (see links throughout).

Summer is now turning to the point of sweltering. Outside is mostly unappealing and I miss the rain that was constant and beautiful a mere few weeks ago. The heat has gotten so dreadful that I am actually wearing shorts today. The likelihood is that I will still not allow myself outside of my house in such attire, but the fact that I am wearing them makes me feel like a bit of a rebel. It may be ridiculous to rebel against myself, but it is easier than rebelling against anything or anyone else.

Over the past few weeks I have realized that my kids are growing up and that I am desperate for that. I know that many of you will now comment on this telling me that I need to treasure every minute I have with them while they are young, but I enjoy watching them develop from babies into children. My head has recently realized that I was probably the least likely candidate for motherhood on the face of the planet when we had our kids, and that is pretty much still true. I don’t really want anyone to respond to that. The fact of the matter is that none of you can know my head or heart and that you can only guess at what I am like. The truth is that it is damn hard for me to nurture and take care of my small children every minute of every day. I love them fiercely, but I fear that is not enough.

My brain often fails me. Lately, it has been being more insightful than I wish it would be. People all over imagine what it would be like to have super powers. They conjure images of themselves fighting crime and living forever. What would it be like to actually have a super power? Would you believe me if I said I had a few? No. Most likely not. It would be foolish for you to believe such a thing. It would be foolish for me as well.

It is amazing what time can do to change the views a person has on the world. I am becoming increasingly more neutral. I have a hard time believing that anyone is completely wrong for feeling a certain way on an issue. If you can give me a well thought out argument on anything, I will respect your opinion. I am baffled by those that believe that their way is the only way. How can it be that one thought process is any more valid than another? We were all given brains and we were all giving the ability to think. Our thoughts say a lot about us, but just because we disagree with what someone’s thoughts say, that does not invalidate them. They are still people that believe in something. Believing solidly in anything takes so much faith in yourself and in the people around you. It takes faith in outside powers and also in the fact that you will not be mocked or ridiculed for the ideas you put forth. My ability to make decisions and express myself has been squelched by those that are willing to destroy the self-esteem and dreams of others simply because they believe differently.

I have been struggling lately with judging people around me. Daily I find that I must stop myself and remember that I am not better nor any more special than anyone else around me. I am simply a human being like everyone else. I have no more right to anything than anyone else. I’m trying my hardest to remain humble. However, is it wrong to want to feel wanted every now and then? Is it wrong to want to feel pretty and unique? Is it wrong to crave something to set me apart and have people take notice? I only want it on occasion, not always. Just every now and then I want to know that I am wanted in this world.**

My life has been fairly consumed recently by my reading and writing. My heart feels empty if my hands are not holding a book or a pen or a keyboard. Whenever I am sitting and spending time with words I also have music on. What would I do without that escape? Most likely I would explode into a giant black hole. It is frustrating that there is a nagging piece of my brain that tells me to stop. People take it wrong. They don’t understand. Everything is so serious. Nothing can be written just as something that is being put on paper. It all must lead back to some inner turmoil in my soul. It just isn’t true. It would be so amazing to set myself free from the careless views and theologies of everyone around me so that I could just put words out there without judgment.

That is all for now. I’m spending time with friends later, and then more friends even later than that. For most of the rest of my day I am going to be social… we’ll see if it kills me or if I survive.

**(Mom, if you respond to this, so help me I am going to scream! I know that you and Jesus love me and find me to be all of these things and I appreciate that more than you can know… but that is just not what I am getting at right now.)

Edit: Yeah, most of the links are broken now…


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