pigeonholes…

This is an image of my brain. I like to think of the large box holding the smaller boxes as Krissy. Inside that box I compartmentalize into pigeonholes in order to keep myself sane. Each box has a label. Jenna. Cole. Josh. Family. Church. Home. Work. Fun. Writing. Friends. Inner child.

The box labeled inner child has cobwebs growing in it. I can see things inside of it, but what they are exactly are obscured by the dust collecting on them.

I want to run away for a little while and spend some time with myself. There is a part of me that I suppress. I want to rediscover it. I want to be the crazy imaginative me that used to exist. Somewhere between college beginning and now I lost my ability to have fun for the sake of fun. I started looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one was following me and that no one could ruin the life that I have so carefully constructed for me and my family. It is interesting how one little mistake can haunt you. If you don’t believe in ghosts, you should. I see the shadows of a former self following me around wherever I look. I want to get rid of them, but at the same time I want to hold them close. I like seeing where I’ve come from. It reminds me that I need to stay humble. But still. I miss being carefree. I miss being able to sit down by myself in a coffee shop (with my computer and my music) to write without having to worry about who is coming through the door and what they might know. What if they know too much? Is that pity on their faces? Pity, or piety. It really has to be one of the two. I’m just me. But me needs to be carefully sorted back into little boxes for now. Maybe someday I’ll be able to sort me out, however, today I think I’ll just go back to ignoring the cluttered boxes and focus on the ones that are neat and tidy. If things stay in their cubbyholes I can focus on the rest of me, and the rest of the people who need me.

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