I’ve been plotting. Usually my plotting involves taking over everything. Not recently. Recently my plotting has been about plots. It has been about people that I have never met and places that I have never been. I’ve been seeing visions. It’s like I have people right by me and inside of me living out lives that only I can see. I know I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy.
There is method acting. Could it be possible that there is method writing? To become people? To have characters that don’t exist creep into your head? I find that I can’t write without it taking over. It’s the ultimate form of escapism. Far better than reading books. Reading books can only get you so far. It is an okay high, but not the best. Writing is so much better.
Dilemma #1: So, what does a girl do when she wants so badly to write but she can’t afford to lose herself? Does she do it anyway? I vote yes. (Well, maybe just when the kids are napping.)
Dilemma #2: What does a girl do when she wants so badly to write, but she can’t handle having what she writes be read? Does she do it anyway? Is there a point to writing a novel that won’t ever be seen? Maybe not.
I have this fear of writing something and having people not like it. I’ve been told that I am good at this thing that so utterly and completely captivates me, but what if I’ve been lied to? What if I’m only as good as I see myself? Unfortunately for me, my self-evaluations tend to end badly.
I suppose it comes down to not wanting people to see me as imperfect. I know I am. However, if I hide well enough, maybe I can keep that from the public eye. More than being imperfect, I really don’t know if I can handle people seeing me as crazy as I truly am. It is odd to me that I think I seem fairly average from the outside, but that when I open up my heart and my head either through words spoken out loud or on paper, I can seem far less than sane. Maybe my problem is not in my evaluation of myself, but instead of my evaluation of the people around me. I suppose it is possible that we are all a little insane.
It is late and I should be sleeping, but I think that instead I will go back to plotting a little (or maybe a lot). Later I will decide if I should continue to allow myself to be part of the psychosis that comes from “method writing” if it will never be read, but for now I will just give in and enjoy it.