Tag Archives: insomnia

some friday night poetry for my fellow insomniacs…

What Is At The End

It was just the afterglow
that sent me into this tailspin.
Where I couldn’t see where I was going,
only where I had once been.
Sitting on this precipice,
looking out over the sleeping below
as the world blew to pieces.
I drank a toast to what was,
took a shot in the arm
for what might have been
then I simply watched it burn.
From my seat above it all,
the sky was set afire
bright orange blazing.
This was how it all began,
it made the most fitting end.

For This, We Will Fight

Somebody said it would be fine
and I believed it, sat back, drank my wine.
This is the life of the lost
the forgotten left out in the cold, gathering dust.
You should have been transparent with your lies,
so I  would have known to call this a loss.
It seems my apathy has gotten the best of me,
when I should already be long gone.
This story was written knowing the end,
and as this all comes to a frothy head
we exchange cordial farewells. Moving on
we pretend that it is not destruction in our wake–
that the rubble left behind, does not contain our dead.
It was a war to find the bravest, the brightest stars,
the ones that saw it coming, and left before they went
to shallow graves for a song that played revenge.

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fill ‘er up! (a product of my insomnia)…

So, just so you know in case you wish to run from me the next time you see me, I pretty much live life as a narrative spoken by a slightly disembodied voice just hovering somewhere around my head. Today while standing at the gas station and running my debit card in the pump, the following poem started to form and words started to swirl around in the air. Anyhow, I was just going to drop it because writing a poem about fuel consumption is kind of odd, but due to a fit of insomnia, I wrote and edited it tonight and ended up with this:

sunshine and fossil fuel
By: Me… the semi-crazy blonde girl

Gas prices don’t really bother me anymore.
I used to stand at the pump, my blood
pressure rising with each click and gulp
as the hose filled my car with petrol. Now,
well, now I realize it is futile. I need to go
places, and since the horse and buggy
have long gone out of fashion, I am stuck
smelling the fumes of decayed dinosaurs
slowly slurping into the tank in my black,
mommy sedan as I lean on the handle and
squeeze the trigger tightly. The numbers go
up, and I serenely watch– the man next to me
grumbles about the three extra cents he
is spending today. Smiling, I look on as the
gauge ticks, increasing the price dollar by
dollar. It should bother me, I’m sure, but
I have bigger battles to fight, harder stresses
to surrender. So, I stand, I wait, and instead
of wondering what percentage of my paycheck
is currently siphoning into the abyss of my
gas tank, I think about buying cupcakes,
or going for a nice, long run.

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nothing really…

What is there to say? Nothing really.

Sometimes you come to that point. The point where everything looks a little less colorful and you suddenly realize that you are slipping slowly into the past. the trees take on shades of grey that you had forgotten about, and you know that you have left reality. In the background, you can hear notes floating up into the air. Ella’s voice takes flight over the trees and fills your senses. This is the way it was, but not really the way it was. It’s the way it is in movies and books, but when it was reality, it was its own fantasy. People were not any different. Time was not any different. There was no more romance then than there is now. It’s fake, but still the place you go to in order to escape. It’s fake, but it is more real than anything else you hold on to.

What is there to say? Everything…

The words flow through my head and find solace in my fingers as they fly across the keys. My brain screams and sings and begs for release. I tell myself that if I do not get it out, I will cease to exist. I tell myself that I must move on. I must fight silence. I must yell out at the top of my lungs. “Stop ignoring me! Stop telling me that I am useless and unworthy!” I’m yelling at no one. I’m yelling at everyone. I’m yelling at myself. I notice that the screen in front of me is out of focus. I reach out towards it a moment before I realize that it isn’t the screen, but my eyes. The moisture falling from my face and onto the keyboard makes me pause and take a breath. I stop screaming and turn away.

What is there to say? It has all been said before.

There are times when one must sit motionless. Breathing makes too much noise. It is all an interruption. The clicking of keys would be intolerable. The ineffectual niggling of thoughts causes a buzzing that fills the air and creates a sense unease. It is all too much. Anything that comes out at this point, any bit of consciousness, is more than is necessary. There is nothing that one can say now that has not already been uttered. There is nothing but the old, there is no more new. So, it is time to remain silent and still. It is time to let the world go on, and to feel the fresh air on skin– to know that nothing is the same, but that nothing can be different.

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the need to say something…

Every now and then I run out of words. It doesn’t happen too often. After all, words are my life (as well as my livelihood).

Tonight I am out of words. Tonight I am not sleeping. I’m watching bad TV on Hulu and knitting.

Since I have nothing I can say, I’ll let Margaret speak for me:

“So much for endings. Beginnings are always more fun. True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it’s the hardest to do anything with. That’s about all that can be said for plots, which anyway are just one thing after another, a what and a what and a what.”

(Oh, I want to be her when I grow up!)

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this is probably not wonderland…

A long time ago, my blog had a slightly different name. Well, the same name really, but with a little tag line under it.

Rantings of a Semi-Crazy Blonde Girl: let’s take a little trip down the rabbit hole, shall we?

I have always fancied myself an Alice. From the time I was little, I went to extravagant lands with incredible creatures, and I went to them with only the aid of my sometimes troublesome imagination. The rabbit hole in my mind is twisting and expansive. Around one turn is utter darkness, and around the next is the happiest of sunny afternoons. When I sit down to write, I never know which tunnel I will fall down. I never know if I should be packing a beach towel, an umbrella, or some sort of self-defense device. Often, I pray that the knitting needles in my back left pocket and the pen in the back right will be sufficient and I just roll with whatever punches are thrown my way. It seems that what I think of as my best work is done when I have absolutely no idea what to do. It happens when the tunnel I am tripping through takes a sudden jag to the left and my being is torn to the side, ripped from one reality and into the next.

Of course, the rabbit hole is not all about my writing, it is also about how people perceive me. There was a point in my life when I was forced to recognize that I was not, shall we say, normal. I am an odd duck, to be sure, and I understand that. My madness seeps out of every fiber and I have noticed through the years that this makes many people uncomfortable. However, as I have aged, I have come to terms with myself. In fact, I now realize that the more me I am and the more I just let the crazy out, the better off I am, the more people accept me, the more I feel at peace.

(just a bit of bonus poetry that popped into my head while doing laundry the other day…)

If I told you that tomorrow was the last day,
would you leave? Or would you stay
for one last kiss,
and one last moment in the dark.
Would you walk away forever?
Or would you hold me tighter
for one more time,
and one more night of me and you.
If I asked you not to go,
would you hold my hand again
and wait until the very last second
of the end for one last kiss.

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